


Learning to Love Myself

by orphan_account



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-08
Updated: 2012-06-08
Packaged: 2017-11-07 05:51:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/427631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"My name is Edward Cullen and I don't know how to masturbate." When Edward is left high and dry by Bella, he decides to take matters into his own hands. Heh! A trip to the self-help section helps him learn to self-love.</p><p>Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Learning to Love Myself

_**Chapter 1** _  


_**An Introduction to Self-Pleasure** _

_Sexual self-satisfaction can be a tricky proposition, but if you're looking to improve your skills, you've come to the right place. By using this easy-to-follow guide, you'll learn to maneuver the road to self-pleasure in no time._

_Remember, the path to mastering your orgasmic potential begins with a single stroke._

 

My name is Edward Cullen, and I don't know how to masturbate.

Okay, that sounds like I should be in a twelve-step program or something…like…Spankaholics Anonymous.

Except that would be for someone who jerks off all the time, not for someone who doesn't…ever.

I should clarify: It's not that I don't know _how_ to masturbate. I mean, every idiot knows how, right? You just grab your dick…wrap your fist around it and yank away.

I know _how._

I just don't know how to do it _well_.

I know what you're thinking: What kind of loser doesn't even know how to adjust his own antenna? Well, the fact of the matter is, I've never really had to.

I don't mean to sound smug. It's just a fact.

I lost my virginity at fourteen to Lauren Mallory in the back of her father's Mustang, and since then there's always been a steady stream of girls available to me. I guess they thought I was cute or whatever, but the point is, I never saw the need to learn to wax my board properly when there was always a willing hand…or mouth…ready to do it for me.

And then along came Bella Swan – beautiful, funny, smart…the love of my life.

Who's currently pissed as hell and not speaking to me.

It's a long story, and the details don't really matter. I want to make up with her, and I know we'll get back together…eventually.

But in the meantime, I still have certain…needs…and no one to fulfill them. At least, no one else I _want_ to fulfill them.

Just me.

Which is why I'm currently standing in one of the back aisles at Barnes and Noble, scanning the self-help section.

That's right. It's come down to this. Sure, I could try the Internet or – God forbid – asking Jasper for advice, but I've found that half the stuff on the Web is a bunch of crap, and there's really no way to know for sure unless you try out every crazy tip and trick that's out there.

I don't have that kind of patience.

As for Jasper, he's still a last resort. I have to admit I'm a little leery of telling my best friend I have no idea how to wank.

A guy has to have _some_ pride, after all…just saying.

I run my fingers along the book spines, scanning the titles absently: _The G-Spot: Myth or Magic?...Spicing Up Your Sex Life…The Art of Oral Gratification…_

Then I see something that looks promising – a bright yellow book with the simple title: _Self-Pleasure for Dummies._

I pull it off the shelf and begin to flip through it, a surge of excitement stirring that I could be on the right track.

"Can I help you find anything?" A brunette with glasses approaches, and I realize I know her from school.

"Angela, right?"

She blushes and nods. "Are you finding everything you need, Ed –" Her words cut off as she notices the book I'm holding, and her face reddens further.

"Oh, this?" I laugh, quickly stashing it back on the shelf. "I'm just looking for a gag gift…for my friend Jasper, you know?"

"Oh." She nods in understanding. "Well, that would be funny."

"Yeah." I force a laugh. "But I think I'll keep looking."

"Okay, let me know if you need any help." She straightens the book on the shelf and smiles.

"Thanks."

I wander around the store, glancing at Angela every now and then as I pretend to shop. When she finally goes into the back of the store, I rush back to the self-help section, grab the how-to guide and hurry to pay for it, glancing over my shoulder nervously as the clerk runs my credit card.

I clutch the paper bag holding my salvation close to my chest, and I practically run to my car.

_****_

_**Chapter 2**_

  


 

_**Need Inspiration? Try Visual Stimulation** _

_Whether it's magazines, videos or even an erotic sculpture, visual elements can help make alone time just that much more special. Just be certain to use protection so you don't destroy your favorite artwork with the evidence of your pleasure._

 

 

_  
_

I slip breathlessly down the hall and into my room, quickly depositing my plunder on the bed before locking the door. I wait for a moment with my ear pressed to the door, holding my breath as I listen for any indication I've been followed. Hearing none, I turn to examine my contraband more closely.

Porn.

My brother Emmett's porn.

And he has a _lot_ of fucking porn.

The book said it didn't matter what kind of so-called visual aids you use, so I just grabbed everything I could find in Emmett's "Treasure Chest of Love."

Yeah. He actually calls it that.

Absently, I flip through the magazines – the usual _Playboys_ and _Penthouses_ , plus a few specialty publications like _Jumbo Juggs_ and _Big Beefy Mommas._

I quickly set that one aside.

Deciding a DVD might be a better option, I grab one at random, just eager to get things going. I eye my flat screen and surround sound system skeptically, then reach for my laptop and ear buds instead.

The last thing I need is my mom pounding on the door when Anita Dick comes…in Dolby stereo.

I slide in the DVD and adjust the volume, leaning up against my headboard with my laptop balanced on my knees.

  
 _  
 ****_

_****_

_**Chapter 4**_

 _  
_

 

_**Remember, Lube is Your Friend** _

_You wouldn't run your car without oil, so why would you rub your most sensitive body part_ _without lubrication? Lotion, oil, silicone, water-based – even flavored! The options are endless. Just find the slick substance that you like best and lube up for fun!_

 

 

_  
_

Shit. I realize none of this is going to work when I'm still fully clothed.

Do you see how tense I am? This is why I need an orgasm.

Setting my laptop aside, I whip off my shirt and unbutton my jeans, pausing for a moment to consider whether or not I want to take them all the way off.

On the one hand, it would make it easier to maneuver.

On the other hand, my laptop does get kind of hot, and I don't want to burn my legs.

On the other hand, I don't really want to get jizz all over my favorite 501s.

Rolling my eyes at my stupid argument, I strip down fully naked and grab a towel off the floor to protect myself from the heat of the laptop.

Naked. Check.

Porn. Check.

Towel. Check.

Lube.

My eyes wander over the collection on my nightstand. The book gave several suggestions, so in addition to a bottle of Jergen's lotion, I swiped a bottle of rosemary olive oil from the kitchen, Vaseline from the hall bathroom, and a tube of KY from Emmett's stash.

 _Unopened._ Jeez, like I'd use anything after Emmett touched it.

Fucking gross…just saying.

I remove the stopper from the olive oil and lift it to my nose. It smells nice, but kind of like my mother's pot roast. Not exactly the mental image I'm going for. The Vaseline is just a little too thick and sticky. The Jergen's has this tanning shit in it, and I'm worried it's going to turn my dick orange.

That leaves the KY. I squeeze a glop into my palm, smooshing it with my fingers.

It feels kind of nice.

I hear a tinny sound and realize the movie's started, the sound coming from my ear buds. Arranging myself on the bed, I pull the laptop onto my towel with my unlubed hand and settle in for a little _Throbin Hood: Prince of Beaves._ It starts off a little slow, but before long things begin to move along nicely.

Moans echo in my ear as the young maiden takes Throbin Hood's cock deep in her mouth. I feel a stirring between my own legs and smile as my dick grows before my eyes, standing up alongside Throbin as he thrusts between the maiden's lips.

_Oh yeah._

I wrap my hand around my dick – gently first, just like the book says – and slowly slide my slick hand up and down.

It feels good. _Really_ good.

I scoot down a little more on the bed and decide to try a technique from chapter eight, swirling my palm over the head of my cock before rubbing my thumb back and forth over the slit. It's amazing, and I feel a little rush of pride at already being ready for chapter eight.

I was like a wanking savant…head of the class, so to speak.

Feeling cocky – heh – I try a little twist…a little jerk…a little pinch between the thumb and forefinger. I realize I'm grunting right along with old Throbin, minus the " _Yea, verily, sucketh my cock_."

I'm thinking this could actually work. My cock swells a little more and my balls tighten up, a feeling of euphoria building low in my stomach as my hand picks up the pace.

And my video chat window pops up with a ping, Jasper's face appearing in the corner of my screen.

"Fuck!" I slam the lid shut, the ecstatic moans of Throbin Hood still echoing in my ears.

  
 _  
 ****_

_****_

_**Chapter 7**_

 _  
_

 

_**Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun** _

_There's no reason self-love has to be a solo proposition. If you're looking for a little extra enjoyment, why not invite a friend?_

_This is one instance where two can definitely be better than one!_

 

_  
_

"Hey, Jasper, what's up?" I'm playing it cool. My shirt's back on, but I didn't have time to grab my pants without making him more suspicious.

My dick, sadly, is pissed as hell. I glance at it, all droopy and dejected. It may never speak to me again.

"What happened?" he asks. "You were there, then you weren't. And what were you doing, anyway?" His eyes narrow, like he's working a math problem. "I thought I saw…" His words trail off.

I shrug. "Nothing. Just hanging out." I can't help glancing at my dick again. "I dropped the laptop…sorry."

"It's cool…whatever. I was just wondering…" His words trail off and he squints at something over my shoulder. "What's all that shit on your nightstand?"

I panic. He sees the lube…the magazines…the statue of the naked woman riding a horse that my mom had in the library.

I turn the laptop, angling the camera away from my pud-pumping paraphernalia. "Um, I've gotta go." I click my mouse frantically, and Throbin Hood fills my screen behind Jasper.

" _Oh, maid, your pussy doth taste of honey. Spread your legs wide_ _r that I might partake…"_

"Oh, fuck!" I try to turn it off, but I only turn up the volume.

"Edward?" Jasper says, his eyes widening. "Is that porn?"

" _Oh, Throbin! Fill me!"_

Jasper laughs as I finally shut down the movie. "Dude. Were you spanking the monkey?"

"No!"

He bends over, clutching his stomach, his shoulders shaking as he giggles hysterically. "Shit! That _was_ your dick!"

"No, it wasn't."

"I wasn't sure at first. It was all so fast…blurry. I thought maybe you were building something." He wipes tears, still grinning widely.

I'm curious. "What the fuck would I be building?"

Jasper shrugs. "I don't know. Maybe legos? A model?"

"A model of a cock?"

He points at me. "I _knew_ it was your cock!"

"Fuck off," I mutter.

"Why don't you just call Bella?" he asks. "Apologize. She'll take you back."

I wince. "Why should I? This was her fault as much as mine."

He shakes his head pityingly. "But _you're_ the one fiddling the flute to B-grade porn."

 _B-grade?_ Maybe I need better porn. I make a mental note.

We're silent for a while, then Jasper says slowly. "So…do you always use all that shit when you jerk off?"

"Goodbye, Jasper."

He laughs again. "Because it's really not necessary, you know. Just some lube and a firm grip." He mimics the action with his hand.

"I've got it."

"I'd be happy to give you some tips, if you want…"

I actually consider it…for about half a second.

Then I close the laptop to Jasper's hooting laughter as he sputters out something about "hand to gland combat" before I lay back on the bed.

  
 _  
 ****_

__

_**Chapter 10**_

 _  
_

 

_**Indulge in a Little Fantasy** _

_The hot movie star? The Hooter_ ' _s waitress? The girl next door? It doesn't matter who it is, just let your imagination take you away._

_  
_

 

Okay. I can do this.

I sit up and pull my shirt off. Frowning at the laptop, I decide porn may not be the answer and set it aside. Grabbing the KY and lubing up again, I rest against the pillows and close my eyes, taking a deep breath.

A fantasy. I can do a fantasy.

 _The comely maiden approach_ _es me slowly. "Oh, Throbin, thou art vastly endowed…"_

Um. No.

I shake my head to rid myself of the image and try something else. Angelina Jolie? Yeah. That will totally work. I close my eyes again, squeezing my cock gently.

" _Hello, Edward," Angelina says, her plump lips shiny and wet. "I've been waiting for you."_

_She arches her back, and her huge tits nearly pop out of her leather corset as she drops to her knees, tugging at my belt. Looking up at me, she strokes me through my pants._

" _You're so big!" she exclaims, her eyes wide._

My breath catches as I grip myself harder, my hand sliding easily up and down.

_Her hands reach up, nails scratching across my stomach as she nuzzles my cock, inhaling deeply._

"Oh…Angelina…" I moan, adding a twist at the top, circling the sensitive ridge under the swollen head.

" _Oh, Edward," she moans in reply._

" _Mommy?" A little boy appears next to her. "What are you doing to that man?"_

" _Go to your room, Pax. Mommy's busy."_

My eyes fly open. "Fuck!"

  
 _  
 ****_

__

_**Chapter 12**_

 _  
_

 

_**Don't Forget the Three R's** _

_You've got the tips, but none of them will work if you don't remember three things:_

_Relax._

_Relax._

_Relax._

_  
_

 

I know what's happening. It's performance anxiety. After so long, I'm expecting too much. Like the book says, I need to relax…just let things happen. Let my mind go where it may. Do what feels good.

I tilt my head, cracking my neck…roll my shoulders…flex my fingers.

Relax.

I take a deep breath. Another.

It's just wanking. It's not brain surgery.

Everybody does it.

No pressure.

I close my eyes, ready to try again. This time, instead of jumping right into something hot, I opt for something restful.

_A meadow. Yeah. Sunlight dappled grass…wildflowers swaying in the breeze. The distant sound of a trickling stream…a bird tweeting._

_I know this place. I was here with Bella._

_Bella._

_She appears at the edge of the forest, walking toward me. She wears a light sundress and no shoes, her hair flowing freely over her shoulders. The sunlight behind her makes her dress nearly transparent, and I see the curve of her breast…her hip…and I know she's wearing nothing underneath._

"Bella…" My hand finds its way to my cock, my fingers circling it without conscious thought.

_She walks toward me, her eyes focused yet dreamy. She reaches out to stroke my hair and presses her lips to mine. I grab for her, pulling her close, my hips thrusting against her of their own volition._

I jerk upward into my hand with a grunt, and my other hand reaches back to cup my balls, rolling them in my fingers…squeezing lightly. I moan.

 _I grip her dress, pulling it up and over her head, my breath catching at the sight of her naked flesh. I lean in to kiss her again, but_ _she stops me with a hand on my chest._

" _Not this time," she murmurs, dropping to her knees. "Let me take care of you."_

"Fuck, yeah," I mumble. I fist my cock with both hands, working up and down, twisting in opposite directions…the burn…the heat…it's building up like never before.

 _My pants are gone_ _, and Bella's hot mouth descends on my cock, sucking it deep, her teeth scraping lightly up and down._

"Oh God." My hips shoot up off the bed, fucking my hands as sweat breaks out over my body. I interlace my fingers and grip myself tightly, my head arching back…my breath harsh pants.

_Bella's bent over the living room couch. I grip her hips, pounding into her harshly, her ass cheeks jiggling with every thrust. "You like that?"_

" _God…yes!"_

I don't even care that the fantasies don't make sense, because I can feel the telltale tightening in my balls. I'm getting close. I increase the pressure…roughly twisting…needing the wildness…the slight taste of pain. Every muscle tenses, clenched in anticipation.

 _I'm riding an elevator, holding Bella up against the wall as I fuck her between floors._ _My fingers grip her ass, her wetness mingling with the sweat._

" _Harder, Edward!"_

Then I do something I've never tried before…something from chapter fourteen that seems a little strange, but I'm too caught up in the moment to worry about it.

_Bella's beneath me, her legs on my shoulders as I thrust. She's rubbing her tits, squeezing her nipples…urging me on._

I go back to one hand, the other dipping down again to cup my balls…then rub at the spot right behind them.

"Oh, fuck!" The book is right. That feels incredible.

_Bella's moaning…I'm grinding…I feel her muscles clenching at my cock. Then, all of the sudden, I realize there's someone behind me. A soft hand runs down my back and over my ass. I glance over my shoulder and see Bella behind me._

Two Bellas are better than one, right?

My cock wholeheartedly agrees.

I groan, one hand tightly fisting…twisting…the other gently rubbing…circling…edging closer and closer to where no man has gone before.

I ignore the Star Trek reference. I don't think about it. I just feel.

And God, it feels _so_ good.

 _The Bella below me slides a finger down to circle her clit and demands that I fuck her harder_ _…faster…deeper. The Bella behind kisses me between my shoulder blades, her tongue trailing slowly down my spine…down…down…_

My slick finger slides between my ass cheeks, presses at my puckered flesh. I jerk and my other hand falters slightly.

_She pulls my ass apart, blowing gently…_

"Fuck…Bella…" The tip of my finger slides in…then a little more…I begin to thrust in tandem…up and down…in and out…

 _Her tongue circles my entrance teasingly_ _, and I arch back toward her on every backward thrust._

The pace increases, my hips shoving off the bed to meet one hand…back down to meet the other. My jaw clenches…and for a moment, it's like my heart actually stops.

" _Now, Edward!" she screams, coming around my cock, just as Bella's tongue slides home._

"Ooohhh Fuck!" I groan, long and loud as the tension finally erupts. Every muscle…every nerve tingles as I shoot cum into the air….once…twice…three times…and it splatters across my stomach. I tremble, my cock still twitching with the aftershocks, my breathing harsh and gasping.

And there's a timid knock at the door. I freeze, my hand still wrapped around my cock, my finger still deep in my ass.

"Edward?" The voice is muffled through the door, but still recognizable.

_No. No no no!_

"Bella?" My voice cracks. I still haven't moved, cum and sweat drying on my stomach.

"Are you okay?" she asks, as I hear the doorknob rattle. Thank god I locked it. "I thought we could talk."

"Talk?" I finally manage to move, grabbing the towel and swiping at the mess all over me…under me. I look down at my hands. The bathroom's down the hall, so I can't wash them.

 _Shit!_ Excuse the pun.

"I just…" she says hesitantly. "I really miss you."

I pull on my pants…yank my shirt over my head. "I miss you too," I reply, trying not to let the panic show in my voice. I slide open the nightstand drawer, sweeping the porn and the lube inside.

"What are you doing in there?"

The statue won't fit, so I shove it under the bed. "Nothing. Just…hang on a sec." I start to run a hand through my hair nervously, then remember where it's just been. I grip the towel instead.

"Edward, I know you're mad, but could you just let me in?" She's starting to sound irritated, so I frantically check the room one more time, tossing the spunky towel into the closet.

I take a deep breath and open the door, forcing a smile on my face. "Hi."

She bites her lip nervously. "Hi."

I step back. "Come on in."

Bella nods, walking in front of me, and I can't help looking at her ass as she walks by. My cocks stirs slightly.

God, I'm a hopeless sex fiend.

"So," she says, walking aimlessly around the room. "I hoped we could talk about what happened."

I start toward the bed, then decide to sit at the desk instead. I don't want her to feel pressured. "I'm glad," I say. "I really want us to work through this. I'm so sorry, baby."

She glances at me shyly. "Me too." She walks toward me, stepping between my legs. Hesitating slightly, she reaches out with one hand to touch my cheek. "I'm sorry I got so mad," she says. "Lauren just pisses me off to no end and when she said-" Her words cut off, and I realize she's looking at something on the desk behind me.

"What is it?" I ask, as she reaches over my shoulder.

" _Self-Pleasure for Dummies_?" she says with a smirk, holding up the bright yellow book.

I flush and my eyes clench shut. "I…uh…"

Understanding lights her eyes as she flips through the book…she glances at me, an eyebrow raised. "Edward…was _this_ what you were just doing?"

I am so embarrassed. Fuck, Bella probably thinks I'm a freak…a pervert…some kind of sex-crazed maniac. I look up at her, unable to say anything except, "I'm sorry."

She blinks. "Why would you be sorry?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I don't want you to think…I don't know, that I'm cheating on you or anything."

Bella chuckles slightly. "With your hand?"

"I just…missed you, and I didn't want to be with anybody else…"

"Edward…"

"…and I thought maybe this would be a way…"

"Edward…"

"…but if it grosses you out or whatever, I don't have to…"

"Edward!" Her sharp tone stops my rambling, and I look up at her nervously.

She's smiling. "It's okay."

"It is?"

"Of course. It's perfectly normal. Guys do it all the time, right?"

"I guess." _Most guys at least._ I sigh in relief.

She turns back to the book, a smile growing as she reads something she apparently likes.

"What?" I ask, unable to resist.

Bella giggles. "Chapter seven."

I try to remember what's in chapter seven.

She begins to read. "… _or perhaps your lover might like to participate. A mutual session can be mutually satisfying for everyone involved. And remember – there's no need to keep your hands to yourself."_ Bella's eyes lift to mine and she grins wickedly.

"Maybe you could teach me a thing or two," she says with a sexy wink, laying the book on the desk, her fingers sliding into my hair.

"Okay." I grin, then falter. "Let me just…go wash my hands first." I stand up abruptly, and at the surprised look on her face, lean in to kiss her swiftly before running down the hall.

We spend the rest of the afternoon hidden away in my room, and I'll tell you one thing: Self-loving is pretty great…

…but make-up sex blows it out of the water.

Just saying.


End file.
